Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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