I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
