Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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