My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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