if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Randomize
