I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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