Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
