i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
