So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
