please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You made out with two different species that night
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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