The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
