Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
