Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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