I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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