my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
