I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
