finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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