So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
