the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
