i can't believe i had my finger in that
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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