i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
