Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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