I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
