He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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