and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
