I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
