just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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