the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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