I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Found your dick twin last night
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
