Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
