I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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