Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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