Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
