I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
