I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
