Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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