To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
