How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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