He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
