Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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