Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
A bitchslap is in order.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
