I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
