Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
