There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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