All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
