12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
