My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
