Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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