oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
