i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
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